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  • Writer's pictureT.Kactus

The Big Bang

“Billions of years before, on the same night, the big bang had taken place, and from then on everything drew apart and continued to draw apart irretrievably-”

Maria Jose Ferrada

Is it unavoidable then, for everything to fall apart? Is holding each other close, an illusion? Does it defy logic, reason and even gravity?

My beautiful friend Gabrielle reached out to me this afternoon and said she missed my writing. I told her I had been depleted of words for quite some time. The toll of fear, anxiety, and panic that I consumed daily left little room for joy. Joy is what sparks creativity. Joy and the desire to share. But share with who? And share what thoughts? The vast nothingness that fills my day….? But alright Gabi - this blogs for you, my luv!

The most universal feelings in the world are loneliness and holding onto suffering. To combat this void within us, we fill it with connections and distractions. However, this past year the distractions have disappeared, and our connections amputated away. Feeling adrift, I watch helplessly as my connection to the people I love, grows weaker. Like strands of dew precariously close to breaking. I am losing something, that I can’t place my finger on. I have this gnawing need to keep everyone close. But what if I’m fighting a losing battle? Are we supposed to separate? Is it time to turn away and grow into something different?

We were all one big mass once. And what if my mass misses your mass? Can I hold onto our memories and freeze them in amber? Look back at my past self, coated in golden light, and smile fondly.

The problem is I didn’t know it was special when it was happening, I took it for granted. How can I preserve what's special? And discard what's useless? How will I know? Can someone tell me? Give me a sign in big bold letters. 'Remember this Tanima! This is what makes life beautiful!' If you could just scream that at me when the moment is happening, I'll be sure to capture that feeling in a jar and hide it under my bed. So that when the night turns cold, I can twist the lid open and breathe in the happy memories.

How do you let go of the universe gracefully? It breaks my heart to tell you this, but it turns out, that letting go is inevitable.

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